SEB's Mind

Authentic

2011-03-13T01:20:00.003+08:00

I am the filler of the sandwich. I am the meat in the burger. It's funny when you could have been the limelight, with so much potential to show people, they are worried about how the buns might get burnt instead. And when everything falls short, you are the one to blame, the meat, the key, the middle one. Eventually, you become what they thought of you to be, the meat. Just the meat. If only you could realize the man in me to be, if only, just for once...

I am weird in my own way. Authentic. I like music you don't understand, I like movies that bore people, I despise cheap music you like, and I'm not complaining, because you're just being you. But please don't you dare say you understand, cause you don't have a damn clue. You have no idea what it's like to be me. So, let me feel my pain when I breathe, let me take my boat and sail to my neverland. I may not be complete when I'm back, but if you can see my scars, I will be healed. So, if you will, let me be.

The Empty Post

2010-06-17T18:27:00.002+08:00

You won't see a thing,
For this is the victim of oblivion,
For this is the state of your ignorance.

So march on,
Unrealize,
For I am the grain among the sand,
For I am the black among the black.

Known To None

2010-03-28T04:29:00.003+08:00

Gone is the new dawn of tomorrow,

Gone with it is the bliss that’s yet to bring.
Like the coffee loses its caffeine charm,
Like the wheels refuse to spin.
Fly, and you just might touch the ceiling of sky,
Fly a dove, not a swan.
What if you failed?
What if it ain’t what if?
No boundaries has its own limitation,
No infinity, definitely.
Changing tides can be frequent,
Changing you is supersonic.
Build your world within the lines,
Build your tomb if you cross over.
Cast your enchantment and they’ll fall,
Cast again and you’ll do.
Fake, is cheap,
Fake, is you.
What does it mean to me?
What does it mean to you?

Placebo

2010-03-08T03:38:00.005+08:00

I couldn't catch the best of both worlds. Maybe I shouldn't to begin with. They used to share a common denominator, and now I've lost my grips to both. I held on to the tip of the iceberg instead. As they're drifting away, they will tell you stories. Beautiful stories of promises and future, view of east coast leaves floating around like embers from burning trees in the winter. So beautiful that you'll never realize the catch they hold. Lies.

There is no innocence. We've grown and it's long gone. We were born with purity, before devil bent to take your hands, and naively we followed, until it comes a day when you can't recognize this feeling anymore. Devil of gold. And devil of your own self.

I am in a massive black hole from the explosion of your vengeance and hatred. I'm in need of a night with placebo. To sing me a lullaby in my veins and lie to me, to tell me things are gonna be alright, though life is in deep shit.

This is not where I belong,
So long,
To you who I once longed...

Carousel

2010-01-22T00:49:00.002+08:00

Don't break even,
you gotta breakthrough.
Stop looping,
we gotta start running.
I'm not pretending,
though I know you are.
Please stop spinning,
I'm so sick of this.
Riding sick cycle carousel.

New

2010-01-05T23:39:00.003+08:00

A new day, brings closure to everything that belongs to yesterday. Yesterday was only another part of life that held on to you before slipping away, yet the impact was so real you can only now look back and sigh in regrets or laugh with content. What was my yesterday? I can't be sure to say its the best or worst I've ever felt, but one thing I am sure of, that I am blessed, with what I was given and what I will be guided to. It was definitely magical and surreal the moment of closing the ring, everything kept pouring in like a train wreck in the heavenly kingdom, leaving me yet asking me to not to forget to remember them.

Looking back, see what's left of me? What's left of them? The moon needs to shift its course of rotation sometimes and so do we. Funny if you ask, "Should we?" There is no definite answer but it is not something in our hands to manipulate, we just did. We're looking at each other like seeing perfect strangers we've known forever, so familiar but yet so far away. A garden can be nurtured, cared and so beautifully planted, but that may not be forever, like humans, like us. Nevertheless, I like to think of us as water, all of us as a big pond, perhaps the ocean. I know you'll know why, because I'm certain you're hoping for the same thing too.

The moment everyone held their breath for the indicator explosion, I made a wish. To be exact, wishes. From selfishly for myself to selflessly, the world. Maybe these should not be told, but all in all, they share the same thing, for a beautiful today, a better tomorrow. And when they all come true, I'll know that's because we weren't just sitting, waiting and wishing.

Till then, may it be merry.

What is?

2009-10-21T00:37:00.002+08:00

Ignorant.
Peacemaker.
Failed connector.
Filler.
The 11th Mate.
The 12th Man.
Paparazzi.
Invisible.
Envier.
Villain.
Balsa.
Deep.
Idiotic.
Louder.
Bittersweet.
Between.
Sorrow.
Sieved.

It is what it is.
Bitch.

Declaration

2009-10-14T01:50:00.002+08:00

There will come a time when u'll feel like waking up to reality, and everything that happened was only a dream, an endless dream. I'm waking up, to see that the memories are fading into dusts. It happened so fast and yet I've felt like living for a lifetime in this. I'm caught in the middle.

Another day without human voice of disguise, it felt so peaceful, yet so lonely... We stop interfering anymore, you have your little world to spin, and guess I'll just live mine. The red letter day of mine is a burden of yours. Why bother? What used to make you laugh doesn't do the trick anymore. You've bought a new sense of humor, perhaps a new wrong or right too. You've redrawn a new circle of life, I have no alternatives but spinning out of control. You're now a rootless tree. You've left behind what you once were to pursue the new you. Maybe you're wandering happily in your gold labyrinth, or am I the one in the maze?

This is your declaration of war, and I with due respect, ready to accept it.
If you have the slightest idea to cease, please ask yourself : Can you hear me, when I call your name?

Photo

2009-09-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

A photo told me that people can lie so much about everything...
A photo told me that I am me, and they are them, nothing more...
A photo told me that friendship is only a word to describe status between me & u, without meaning it...

A photo told me these,
Does it do the same to you?

A photo can be so real and so fake,
Snap, snap...
U faked a smile and it's captured,
I faked an emotion and it's hidden,
Yet it can show us so much,
If u search deeper within it,
And u'll know,
That the photo is just it,
Nothing more, nothing less,
Just a photo....

Salvation

2009-03-26T01:54:00.001+08:00

Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,
Where can you go to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.....

And I dare you to move....

The Other Side Of Dragonball

2009-03-21T03:04:00.000+08:00

I'm now in this loop of depression. Guess no one can really save me out of it. Perhaps it's true I let myself into it. Maybe I even dug my own loop. I got tangled up in the middle of empty silence and there's no sweet escape out of it. You said you cared no more because you knew, from the very beginning, that everything is temporary. Perhaps this is longer than what you've expected and I hope to prove you wrong, that I'm permanent, and so is everything else. I'd go hungry, I 'd go black and blue, because I'm too, like you, a living soul.

Just watched Dragonball Evolution after the disappointing test. Basically to rate this movie, it could be one of the worst movie of the year. I mean, there are loop holes every here and there, the plot was not as good as the original and the list goes on and on. But if we're a little less picky, it could be an entertaining movie. Maybe Justin Chatwin isn't the best Goku but at least he's charming and he took the challenge playing the role. And I realized, if we expect less from it, we won't find it that bad after all even though it's the worst.

Perhaps it goes the same for life too. The more we expect from it, the more disappointment we get. The less the better. I've been expecting less from life, but somehow, less come out of less. What can I expect?

Angel

2009-03-01T03:11:00.000+08:00

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn.
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies.
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time.
It's easier to believe.
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness.
That brings me to my knees.....

Dance The Grace

2009-02-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

Some people can see a desert of roses, but I can only see a field of corpses. I was born fragile, made breakable. I can't survive a blunt arrow. I can shatter with a simple evil touch. I have the courage but not the strength, because I thought there were us, all of us, but now I know there was only me all along.

Still, I hope you dance. All of you. Because it compensates what's lost from all of you, it brings you colours you never thought they exist, and it satisfies my little selfishness. So I hope you dance, all of you.......... I'm sorry I disappointed all of you.

So Called Chaos

2009-02-20T02:10:00.000+08:00

You may shake the tree and the buds may fall, but I hunger for more. Perhaps the puzzles are in place, but I mind the lines. I'm way off my comfort zone now, I don't even recognize where it is already. I need a map to show me a route to it, then I may again regain what's lost. At least I hope so, when September ends.

Life

2009-02-16T01:43:00.000+08:00

I am rigid but hollow. I thought life was always easy. I thought I just have to go through everyday like any other days. I thought life was created for us and we are the dominants.... but that was not even close. When we couldn't feel love, we felt life. That's what I was taught. Life was created for us to fit in. But the funny question is are we manipulating our lives or the other way round? I am manipulated.

Have you ever felt empty? I did. Something I couldn't expressed why. Sometimes I hope people understand. Somehow I hope they ask, no matter who, as close as those being beside me or even further away. Because it makes me feel better. Because it shows they care. But will I tell if they do? I don't know. Cause I keep things, even the smallest matter sometimes. Maybe that is why people stopped asking. I'm being ironic, ain't I? I hate myself.

I don't know what happened anymore. I'm fallen. We tried but still, nothing seemed to work out right. I'm just praying it gets better, that the wounds can heal, cause it kills you softly everytime you look at it. I'm praying, praying still.....

8 Facts About Me

2009-02-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

1. I'm easily forgotten. To put in a more cruel way will be I'm sometimes invisible or easily get left behind.

2. I don't eat alone. As in I don't like to. Rather skip meals if were to eat alone.

3. I'm moody sometimes mostly because I'm upset or disappointed with myself.

4. My presence in a crowd alone makes me insecure. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm scared of loneliness.

5. I do not have the guts to approach others and i hate myself for that but it makes me grateful if they approach me in return.

6. I'm afraid when communication is getting lesser but mending it is my weakness.

7. People tend to compare me with others, and most of the times, I lost.

8. People find it hard to start conversations with me because I suck in starting conversations. I somehow hope people can start conversations with me without difficulties.

Gosh, wish I'm a better person!

Banned?

2009-01-11T16:40:00.000+08:00

Happiness can be devastating, loneliness can be bliss, a different kind of bliss..... I thought they knew well, but no one did.... Maybe they did, just something less important was more important.

Some people are born Mr./Ms. Popularity. Some are made one. While some, thanks to surroundings & environment, are seen like one. Sometimes you look at them and your judgement take over the facts that perhaps no one will know but himself. I'm wondering if I'm one, worse perhaps. I've seen someone, with the highest consideration possible, being hated to the ground. I'm confused already, maybe this is how the wheel is supposed to spin, whether you like it or not.

I'm sorry I have the bond I cannot compromise. Cause I think you have yours too, just it's still buried deep inside of you, controlling you without your own conscience. Everyone has their own perspectives on certain things, but we can never decide which one is wrong or right. I do believe both have to exist at the same time. Sorry if you disagree.

Lately I've been thinking, I've earned lots of them, lost more, saving more but saved few. By simple calculations, I'm now negative. Maybe I'm born this way and I hated it. I'm never prior and I made myself even less than that. The world is so big but there isn't a place for me to fit in. Can't I fit in? Can I?

And to think that I lost my keys to my door, that I flunk my own confidence, it just sucks.

Just A Little Bit More...

2009-01-02T13:28:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

Sorry I couldn't make decision for 2 desires to satisfy both sides. I somehow hoped we could enjoyed the moment like everyone else without an image to care for, without a reason to hesitate, but there was, unfortunately. Cause in the end, no one cared, for whatever that happened and everything that you felt.

Sorry that I provoked a feeling, complicated an emotion. I thought it will be better choice to have done that, I thought I could heal it but everything turned out just exactly the opposite. Maybe the whole idea was to mentally torture me as a revenge. Well, I lost to it. Totally. Nothing hurts more than purposely unanswered phone calls, cause then you'll find out you can never lie to yourself again.

It was a special occasion though. Special venue with a bunch of troubled kids hoping to get a glimpse of what it is like. I don't know how they felt, but for me, a Christmas wish came to me so strong that night, the same wish that I hang on the Christmas tree on Christmas Night. Though it's simple.

Merry Christmas.

The Special Door

2008-12-20T01:21:00.000+08:00

At last I felt like there's something I've been anticipating for, something that is unusual, but in the end, turned up I shut myself out. Senses overcome courage though courage is fighting still. Imagination beyond reach can sometimes ruin me. Maybe that is what they call desires, in this case a special one. Everything remains unknown, like variables x and y. Perhaps it should start back at square one. But one thing I know, I somehow hope the door is not locked and I have the courage to grab the doorknob and open it and exit through a beautiful side. Feels like fairy tale but I somehow hope it gives me a small miracle. A special one. Can I?

Angel & Devil

2008-11-09T16:37:00.000+08:00

I'm in this ship, which is sinking soon.... And there it goes, a rescue team boat, passing by....... Funny thing is I don't feel like screaming for help, I won't, although my heart is desperately screaming like hell, wishing someone will eventually save me from this sinking ship....... I'm sinking soon......

Everyone is born with an angel and devil live within them, u and me. Every step we take, is guided by these little devils and angels. When devils dominate, we do things we're not supposed to. They exist as one, like siamese twins that cannot be separated. Sometimes we look at a person with an angel face, without realizing the devil side of him/her behind that charming smile. And sometimes we look at a person with a devil personalities, forgeting his/her tenderness, the angel that lives within him/her. That's how nature of people is.

I start to lose my belief in innocence. Perhaps innocence is just a beautiful action, not a pure personality.

Sky is blue for a reason, but it doesn't need a reason to be grey.......

It Hurts....

2008-10-14T00:37:00.000+08:00

It hurts when it's so close yet it's so far away,
It hurts when I'm the last thing on others' mind,
It hurts when I'm never the first thing on others' mind,
It hurts when people do not trust me,
It hurts when I'm losing faith in people,
It hurts when no one understands me,
It hurts when I don't understand others anymore,
It hurts when I hurt someone,
It hurts when I'm recognized for nothing,
It hurts when people makes me think that nothing lasts forever,
It hurts when people makes me think that humanity = selfishness,
It hurts when people hate me for who I am,
It hurts when I'm all alone in their laughters,
It hurts when I'm drowning in their words,
It hurts when I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
It just hurts.......

Choices

2008-09-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

gonna be a tough week.... assignment, presentation, tests..... even tougher after raya break, 4 tests with other assignment, project, n presentation..... life of a student huh? still, feel kinda lazy 2 do everything now.... been treating myself better these days... wonder if it's ok to do tat sometimes...

talking bout tis, 2day we (me & my frens) came out wif tis theory while chatting nonsense... quite true oso... sometimes when making decisions, we have 2 choices, feel sorry for urself o feel sorry for others... if we choose to respect ourselves, our soul, intend 2 treat ourselves better, sometimes we hurt others..... in order to avoid tat, u hurt urself.... we cant have perfection both ways. sometimes we wish things could be mercy to us but the truth is its not up 2 u to decide....

knowing the situation, which 1 will u choose??? 4 me, i honestly donno... its not wrong choosing either 1, jz it depends how u think bout it, n others as well. im not heroic enuf to make choices to satisfy ppl, but sometimes we had to... which is the real me? im not sure.... however, 1 thing is true, dont make choices u'll regret later.. tat's the bottom line...

tough week..... tough day....... after tis week wil b a lot better... looking forward 2 it :-)

The Lately Me

2008-09-18T01:16:00.000+08:00

Finally created my own 1st blog (besides the friendster blog which was like n years ago). Feels like speaking my mind lately, but somehow cant find the right way to express it out, so mayb blogging wil do me good...

My mind right now is 2 crowded, with thought & emotions i cannot express. think its gonna explode soon. been thru a lot lately, although it doesnt seem much to u all, mayb not physically, but mentally. sumtimes i wonder how can a 20 to be kid think so much. but cant help it, its sumthing u cant control sumtimes....

have u been under 1 roof, a roof u thought can give u shelter & warmth u nid but in d end, u realise u get nth but jz a piece of emptiness? i was once there, guess i was stupid & too innocent then. too sad in the end it gave me a piece of emptiness too... n nth else.... had to jump out of my perfect little world, n take time 2 realise tat everything was so wrong jz isnt my thing.... how i wish i could stuck back to the past then, remains who i was..... its funny ppl think of soldiers going for war as some kind of heroes but never realise the consequences..... when ppl r thinking how they wish to have superpowers like superman, they never realise how superman wish he's normal....

sumtimes how i wish i could avoid seeing things i shouldnt.... but i guess i cant escape afterall. batman was right, u either die a hero o live long enuf 2 see urself become a villian...... everyone cant be a hero for everybody.... everyone eventually is the villian in one's mind, no matter how perfect we are.... we cant please everyone n so as we cant expect everyone to please us..... tat's life.. but how i wish things could have been better, jz a lil bit better....

i learnt something tat day, a simple cruel truth so true we cant disagree. my world was so perfect then, how i wish it remains....

guess i never really tell anyone how i feels sometimes, its hard for me i guess, tat's who i am i guess... but 'thanks' to sumtimes' morning breakfast sessions with my housemates, i shared some with them sumtimes, thanks 2 my roommate's effort to wake me up 4 breakfast (as u noe im not those who wake up early)

going back hometown tis weekend for mom's bday, cant wait....

p/s: thanks 4 stopping by.... feel free to leave comments.... thx