Merry Christmas

Sorry I couldn't make decision for 2 desires to satisfy both sides. I somehow hoped we could enjoyed the moment like everyone else without an image to care for, without a reason to hesitate, but there was, unfortunately. Cause in the end, no one cared, for whatever that happened and everything that you felt.

Sorry that I provoked a feeling, complicated an emotion. I thought it will be better choice to have done that, I thought I could heal it but everything turned out just exactly the opposite. Maybe the whole idea was to mentally torture me as a revenge. Well, I lost to it. Totally. Nothing hurts more than purposely unanswered phone calls, cause then you'll find out you can never lie to yourself again.

It was a special occasion though. Special venue with a bunch of troubled kids hoping to get a glimpse of what it is like. I don't know how they felt, but for me, a Christmas wish came to me so strong that night, the same wish that I hang on the Christmas tree on Christmas Night. Though it's simple.

Merry Christmas.

The Special Door

At last I felt like there's something I've been anticipating for, something that is unusual, but in the end, turned up I shut myself out. Senses overcome courage though courage is fighting still. Imagination beyond reach can sometimes ruin me. Maybe that is what they call desires, in this case a special one. Everything remains unknown, like variables x and y. Perhaps it should start back at square one. But one thing I know, I somehow hope the door is not locked and I have the courage to grab the doorknob and open it and exit through a beautiful side. Feels like fairy tale but I somehow hope it gives me a small miracle. A special one. Can I?

Angel & Devil

I'm in this ship, which is sinking soon.... And there it goes, a rescue team boat, passing by....... Funny thing is I don't feel like screaming for help, I won't, although my heart is desperately screaming like hell, wishing someone will eventually save me from this sinking ship....... I'm sinking soon......

Everyone is born with an angel and devil live within them, u and me. Every step we take, is guided by these little devils and angels. When devils dominate, we do things we're not supposed to. They exist as one, like siamese twins that cannot be separated. Sometimes we look at a person with an angel face, without realizing the devil side of him/her behind that charming smile. And sometimes we look at a person with a devil personalities, forgeting his/her tenderness, the angel that lives within him/her. That's how nature of people is.

I start to lose my belief in innocence. Perhaps innocence is just a beautiful action, not a pure personality.

Sky is blue for a reason, but it doesn't need a reason to be grey.......

It Hurts....

It hurts when it's so close yet it's so far away,
It hurts when I'm the last thing on others' mind,
It hurts when I'm never the first thing on others' mind,
It hurts when people do not trust me,
It hurts when I'm losing faith in people,
It hurts when no one understands me,
It hurts when I don't understand others anymore,
It hurts when I hurt someone,
It hurts when I'm recognized for nothing,
It hurts when people makes me think that nothing lasts forever,
It hurts when people makes me think that humanity = selfishness,
It hurts when people hate me for who I am,
It hurts when I'm all alone in their laughters,
It hurts when I'm drowning in their words,
It hurts when I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
It just hurts.......

Choices

gonna be a tough week.... assignment, presentation, tests..... even tougher after raya break, 4 tests with other assignment, project, n presentation..... life of a student huh? still, feel kinda lazy 2 do everything now.... been treating myself better these days... wonder if it's ok to do tat sometimes...

talking bout tis, 2day we (me & my frens) came out wif tis theory while chatting nonsense... quite true oso... sometimes when making decisions, we have 2 choices, feel sorry for urself o feel sorry for others... if we choose to respect ourselves, our soul, intend 2 treat ourselves better, sometimes we hurt others..... in order to avoid tat, u hurt urself.... we cant have perfection both ways. sometimes we wish things could be mercy to us but the truth is its not up 2 u to decide....

knowing the situation, which 1 will u choose??? 4 me, i honestly donno... its not wrong choosing either 1, jz it depends how u think bout it, n others as well. im not heroic enuf to make choices to satisfy ppl, but sometimes we had to... which is the real me? im not sure.... however, 1 thing is true, dont make choices u'll regret later.. tat's the bottom line...

tough week..... tough day....... after tis week wil b a lot better... looking forward 2 it :-)

The Lately Me

Finally created my own 1st blog (besides the friendster blog which was like n years ago). Feels like speaking my mind lately, but somehow cant find the right way to express it out, so mayb blogging wil do me good...

My mind right now is 2 crowded, with thought & emotions i cannot express. think its gonna explode soon. been thru a lot lately, although it doesnt seem much to u all, mayb not physically, but mentally. sumtimes i wonder how can a 20 to be kid think so much. but cant help it, its sumthing u cant control sumtimes....

have u been under 1 roof, a roof u thought can give u shelter & warmth u nid but in d end, u realise u get nth but jz a piece of emptiness? i was once there, guess i was stupid & too innocent then. too sad in the end it gave me a piece of emptiness too... n nth else.... had to jump out of my perfect little world, n take time 2 realise tat everything was so wrong jz isnt my thing.... how i wish i could stuck back to the past then, remains who i was..... its funny ppl think of soldiers going for war as some kind of heroes but never realise the consequences..... when ppl r thinking how they wish to have superpowers like superman, they never realise how superman wish he's normal....

sumtimes how i wish i could avoid seeing things i shouldnt.... but i guess i cant escape afterall. batman was right, u either die a hero o live long enuf 2 see urself become a villian...... everyone cant be a hero for everybody.... everyone eventually is the villian in one's mind, no matter how perfect we are.... we cant please everyone n so as we cant expect everyone to please us..... tat's life.. but how i wish things could have been better, jz a lil bit better....

i learnt something tat day, a simple cruel truth so true we cant disagree. my world was so perfect then, how i wish it remains....

guess i never really tell anyone how i feels sometimes, its hard for me i guess, tat's who i am i guess... but 'thanks' to sumtimes' morning breakfast sessions with my housemates, i shared some with them sumtimes, thanks 2 my roommate's effort to wake me up 4 breakfast (as u noe im not those who wake up early)

going back hometown tis weekend for mom's bday, cant wait....

p/s: thanks 4 stopping by.... feel free to leave comments.... thx