I am rigid but hollow. I thought life was always easy. I thought I just have to go through everyday like any other days. I thought life was created for us and we are the dominants.... but that was not even close. When we couldn't feel love, we felt life. That's what I was taught. Life was created for us to fit in. But the funny question is are we manipulating our lives or the other way round? I am manipulated.
Have you ever felt empty? I did. Something I couldn't expressed why. Sometimes I hope people understand. Somehow I hope they ask, no matter who, as close as those being beside me or even further away. Because it makes me feel better. Because it shows they care. But will I tell if they do? I don't know. Cause I keep things, even the smallest matter sometimes. Maybe that is why people stopped asking. I'm being ironic, ain't I? I hate myself.
I don't know what happened anymore. I'm fallen. We tried but still, nothing seemed to work out right. I'm just praying it gets better, that the wounds can heal, cause it kills you softly everytime you look at it. I'm praying, praying still.....
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
8 Facts About Me
1. I'm easily forgotten. To put in a more cruel way will be I'm sometimes invisible or easily get left behind.
2. I don't eat alone. As in I don't like to. Rather skip meals if were to eat alone.
3. I'm moody sometimes mostly because I'm upset or disappointed with myself.
4. My presence in a crowd alone makes me insecure. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm scared of loneliness.
5. I do not have the guts to approach others and i hate myself for that but it makes me grateful if they approach me in return.
6. I'm afraid when communication is getting lesser but mending it is my weakness.
7. People tend to compare me with others, and most of the times, I lost.
8. People find it hard to start conversations with me because I suck in starting conversations. I somehow hope people can start conversations with me without difficulties.
Gosh, wish I'm a better person!
2. I don't eat alone. As in I don't like to. Rather skip meals if were to eat alone.
3. I'm moody sometimes mostly because I'm upset or disappointed with myself.
4. My presence in a crowd alone makes me insecure. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm scared of loneliness.
5. I do not have the guts to approach others and i hate myself for that but it makes me grateful if they approach me in return.
6. I'm afraid when communication is getting lesser but mending it is my weakness.
7. People tend to compare me with others, and most of the times, I lost.
8. People find it hard to start conversations with me because I suck in starting conversations. I somehow hope people can start conversations with me without difficulties.
Gosh, wish I'm a better person!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Banned?
Happiness can be devastating, loneliness can be bliss, a different kind of bliss..... I thought they knew well, but no one did.... Maybe they did, just something less important was more important.
Some people are born Mr./Ms. Popularity. Some are made one. While some, thanks to surroundings & environment, are seen like one. Sometimes you look at them and your judgement take over the facts that perhaps no one will know but himself. I'm wondering if I'm one, worse perhaps. I've seen someone, with the highest consideration possible, being hated to the ground. I'm confused already, maybe this is how the wheel is supposed to spin, whether you like it or not.
I'm sorry I have the bond I cannot compromise. Cause I think you have yours too, just it's still buried deep inside of you, controlling you without your own conscience. Everyone has their own perspectives on certain things, but we can never decide which one is wrong or right. I do believe both have to exist at the same time. Sorry if you disagree.
Lately I've been thinking, I've earned lots of them, lost more, saving more but saved few. By simple calculations, I'm now negative. Maybe I'm born this way and I hated it. I'm never prior and I made myself even less than that. The world is so big but there isn't a place for me to fit in. Can't I fit in? Can I?
And to think that I lost my keys to my door, that I flunk my own confidence, it just sucks.
Some people are born Mr./Ms. Popularity. Some are made one. While some, thanks to surroundings & environment, are seen like one. Sometimes you look at them and your judgement take over the facts that perhaps no one will know but himself. I'm wondering if I'm one, worse perhaps. I've seen someone, with the highest consideration possible, being hated to the ground. I'm confused already, maybe this is how the wheel is supposed to spin, whether you like it or not.
I'm sorry I have the bond I cannot compromise. Cause I think you have yours too, just it's still buried deep inside of you, controlling you without your own conscience. Everyone has their own perspectives on certain things, but we can never decide which one is wrong or right. I do believe both have to exist at the same time. Sorry if you disagree.
Lately I've been thinking, I've earned lots of them, lost more, saving more but saved few. By simple calculations, I'm now negative. Maybe I'm born this way and I hated it. I'm never prior and I made myself even less than that. The world is so big but there isn't a place for me to fit in. Can't I fit in? Can I?
And to think that I lost my keys to my door, that I flunk my own confidence, it just sucks.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
Sorry I couldn't make decision for 2 desires to satisfy both sides. I somehow hoped we could enjoyed the moment like everyone else without an image to care for, without a reason to hesitate, but there was, unfortunately. Cause in the end, no one cared, for whatever that happened and everything that you felt.
Sorry that I provoked a feeling, complicated an emotion. I thought it will be better choice to have done that, I thought I could heal it but everything turned out just exactly the opposite. Maybe the whole idea was to mentally torture me as a revenge. Well, I lost to it. Totally. Nothing hurts more than purposely unanswered phone calls, cause then you'll find out you can never lie to yourself again.
It was a special occasion though. Special venue with a bunch of troubled kids hoping to get a glimpse of what it is like. I don't know how they felt, but for me, a Christmas wish came to me so strong that night, the same wish that I hang on the Christmas tree on Christmas Night. Though it's simple.
Merry Christmas.
Sorry that I provoked a feeling, complicated an emotion. I thought it will be better choice to have done that, I thought I could heal it but everything turned out just exactly the opposite. Maybe the whole idea was to mentally torture me as a revenge. Well, I lost to it. Totally. Nothing hurts more than purposely unanswered phone calls, cause then you'll find out you can never lie to yourself again.
It was a special occasion though. Special venue with a bunch of troubled kids hoping to get a glimpse of what it is like. I don't know how they felt, but for me, a Christmas wish came to me so strong that night, the same wish that I hang on the Christmas tree on Christmas Night. Though it's simple.
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Special Door
At last I felt like there's something I've been anticipating for, something that is unusual, but in the end, turned up I shut myself out. Senses overcome courage though courage is fighting still. Imagination beyond reach can sometimes ruin me. Maybe that is what they call desires, in this case a special one. Everything remains unknown, like variables x and y. Perhaps it should start back at square one. But one thing I know, I somehow hope the door is not locked and I have the courage to grab the doorknob and open it and exit through a beautiful side. Feels like fairy tale but I somehow hope it gives me a small miracle. A special one. Can I?
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Angel & Devil
I'm in this ship, which is sinking soon.... And there it goes, a rescue team boat, passing by....... Funny thing is I don't feel like screaming for help, I won't, although my heart is desperately screaming like hell, wishing someone will eventually save me from this sinking ship....... I'm sinking soon......
Everyone is born with an angel and devil live within them, u and me. Every step we take, is guided by these little devils and angels. When devils dominate, we do things we're not supposed to. They exist as one, like siamese twins that cannot be separated. Sometimes we look at a person with an angel face, without realizing the devil side of him/her behind that charming smile. And sometimes we look at a person with a devil personalities, forgeting his/her tenderness, the angel that lives within him/her. That's how nature of people is.
I start to lose my belief in innocence. Perhaps innocence is just a beautiful action, not a pure personality.
Sky is blue for a reason, but it doesn't need a reason to be grey.......
Everyone is born with an angel and devil live within them, u and me. Every step we take, is guided by these little devils and angels. When devils dominate, we do things we're not supposed to. They exist as one, like siamese twins that cannot be separated. Sometimes we look at a person with an angel face, without realizing the devil side of him/her behind that charming smile. And sometimes we look at a person with a devil personalities, forgeting his/her tenderness, the angel that lives within him/her. That's how nature of people is.
I start to lose my belief in innocence. Perhaps innocence is just a beautiful action, not a pure personality.
Sky is blue for a reason, but it doesn't need a reason to be grey.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)